If Gathering

So many people cannot wait to hear about the If:Gathering Conference I just attended with friends....and I am sitting at home the past 24 hours or so elated about the weekend because how can you NOT be when you have been in a place where God's presence was so obviously with us, but still struggling to put words to the emotions I felt and the amazing time it was.

Going into If people asked me what it was.  Honestly, I didn't really know.  They didn't give many details and I didn't care.  I just wanted to be there.

For the last 2 years or so, life has been different for me.  I decided I wanted Jesus to be a priority in my life, not just someone I talked about on Sunday or when it came up in a conversation that was easy to include him in.  I knew that my story was incomplete without him.  So I started my 'research'. 
I loved him the best I could spending time in His word and talking to him.  He started to heal my heart that was very broken from listening to Satan's lies for a very long time.  

I started counseling to figure out a few of my hang ups and what made me tick. In the process I discovered that because I couldn't love myself, I couldn't believe anyone else really loved me either....including Jesus.  (Sounds bizarre right?!  Like if I believed the Bible was true and he DIED for me, how could I not believe he loved me.)   That day he showed me His love and everything I believed no longer felt like words on a page that sounded good...they became the LIVING word of God. 

Spending time on my knees and in His presence was now my most life giving activity.  I feel incredibly blessed to FEEL him when I spend time with him and to get to know him that way. 

But in the month or two before If I was feeling burnt out, let down and sick of trying so hard.  I was wondering why I couldn't be content as a mom, wife, friend....what big thing was I supposed to be doing for kingdom work.  Obviously I must be missing something because I hadn't been called to move to a third world country, feed the homeless or adopt a baby.  Was I really doing my part??  What was my passion? 

There were so many great speakers and amazing topics.  I will never forget any of them and I keep listening over and over, but I felt like God had one thing he wanted me to bring home specifically: 

He has invited me to BE with him to do life with him.  He wants to be my friend.  He LOVES me, all of me, the REAL me! (One of my favorite friends said that to me once and I loved it...she can only love the real me because He does too. ;))  The real me is not pretty folks....it's just a yucky as the next gal. 

You see, I had been using him as needed and resenting him when he wasn't.  I inserted him in my facebook statuses because I needed a lift, and I brought him along when I hung out with hurting friends because he is the ultimate healer.  I brought him to Bible Study and into conversations that were convenient.  I said I trusted him, but was angry about things out of my control.  I wasn't ok with him being God in those areas. I wasn't letting him love the REAL me...just the part I wanted and wasn't trying to hide.  I wasn't walking along side Him and better yet I wasn't letting him carry me when the burden was too much on my own.  I was just handing over the reigns once in a while when it felt good to let Him be God. Ultimately, I still wanted to be my own god...and honestly, there are moments where I still do because it seems more 'predictable'. 

While we were there this all came over me in a moment.  And it had to be during Jen Hatmaker speaking...one of my personal faves!  I was having trouble breathing it was so heavy on my chest.  It was time to confess...so off I went....(hopefully Jen and I can still be buds even though I ditched her speaking!)  I wept and prayed and repented.  It was not pretty, but while I did God calmed my heart again.

He said, "Sarah, walk with me, BE with me, TRUST me.  You can because I will fill you and equip you to do the yucky stuff if you'll just let me.  And not because you are feeding the homeless and moving to Africa, but because I LOVE you!  Let your actions be the natural consequence of your love affair with me."  

Is this ridiculous simple stuff??  LIKE DUH Sarah!?  You had to go all the way to AUSTIN for THAT?!   Well, apparently yes.   Sometimes we just need a timeout from life to figure out where our snag is this moment.   (If you don't ever need that, just lie to me and say you do...:) )

I have lots of dreams that came from this experience (this may have to be another blog maybe in the comments you'll have to tell me what you want to hear about most), but the most important thing for me was coming home with the truth "Oh! How He Loves Me." Not 'Oh how he loves what I am doing or saying or acting or feeling.  Just how he loves me(period).   And I cannot wait for my RELATIONSHIP with him to change the world I am living in right now, however big or small that may be.