Is the running metaphor overused? Oh well. Let's run it ladies!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Hebrews 12:1-2

Saturday morning I was training for a race that I am planning to run.  It was a long one, so I had lots of time to think.  (Those of you who know me well are probably laughing because you know I already think too much.  So, maybe I should say, time to think clearly.  :) )  As I got to about the half way point I was ready to quit.  The hills were feeling longer and steeper and no one would know if I decided to walk.  So, I slowed down and started to walk.  It felt good for a second, I had given up.  So, I gave myself a pep talk: "Sarah, you have been training for this and you can do it...it's gonna hurt until the end, but it's worth it." 

Picked up one foot and then the other and up the hill I went.   I got to the top and then I got to go down.  Ahhhhh!  Down.  Now, that was worth it....until I got to the next one.  But the next one was different because I remembered the joy of sticking to it and reaching the top last time. 

God works in our lives this way.   Doesn't he?  When we choose to fix our eyes on Jesus, he writes our story and perfects our faith by bringing us to the bottom of the hill saying climb with me.  And while we climb the Holy Spirit helps us throw off the stuff, the everything that hinders and sin that entangles.  With his help we put one foot in front of the other and we throw off that stuff, (pride, fear, comparison, not loving our neighbor......)  and we chose the joy and freedom he set before us because he endured the cross.

We can say no though.  We can choose not to climb the hill, turn around or just sit down and not go because throwing off what entangles us is hard.  Or maybe we are just comfortable the way things are.  It is 'working' why change it?  This is my biggest hang up.  Sometimes life is not comfortable or working, but is predictable and I feel like I can control the outcome.  I like control.  I like it a lot more than I even realized.  I am crying out "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"   Because belief, I am learning, is not a feeling it is a choice. 

So, I sat down to write why you should come to IF: Local at Providence CRC and this is what came out instead.   I can't  decide if the IF conference was a climbing experience for me or a soaring down the other side of the hill experience.  It was both I guess.  The Spirit was so present there that I cried the minute I walked through the doors. (Seriously, ask the girls I went with.)  Jennie Allen started by saying something about feeling like she and the leaders of IF blew a dog whistle and people came running.  We didn't know what IF was all about and neither did they really.  She knew that God was calling her to gather and equip women.  Asking the tough questions together, like what is holding us back and what are our gifts and are we good enough?

At IF I heard this:  God is calling us. He is calling us to run our race with our eyes fixed on him.  We get to cry out "JESUS!" when we feel like we want to turn around or sit down and say no.  We are not capable or able to walk, let alone run up our hill without him.   Doing the hills without him I have found is pointless.  And honestly, when I get to the next one I do get to remember his faithfulness from the last climb so it is still hard, but somehow sweeter.

If you choose to come to IF at Providence, you will get to hear that message too.  You will also have time to sit and figure out a few things about yourself in the process.  Good things, great things...and things that are entangling you.

Some of you don't need this experience, that's ok.  But I am praying that if God is tugging your heart strings with even a little curiosity, you will consider it.  It grew me.  Jesus met me there.  I will never regret it.

If Gathering

So many people cannot wait to hear about the If:Gathering Conference I just attended with friends....and I am sitting at home the past 24 hours or so elated about the weekend because how can you NOT be when you have been in a place where God's presence was so obviously with us, but still struggling to put words to the emotions I felt and the amazing time it was.

Going into If people asked me what it was.  Honestly, I didn't really know.  They didn't give many details and I didn't care.  I just wanted to be there.

For the last 2 years or so, life has been different for me.  I decided I wanted Jesus to be a priority in my life, not just someone I talked about on Sunday or when it came up in a conversation that was easy to include him in.  I knew that my story was incomplete without him.  So I started my 'research'. 
I loved him the best I could spending time in His word and talking to him.  He started to heal my heart that was very broken from listening to Satan's lies for a very long time.  

I started counseling to figure out a few of my hang ups and what made me tick. In the process I discovered that because I couldn't love myself, I couldn't believe anyone else really loved me either....including Jesus.  (Sounds bizarre right?!  Like if I believed the Bible was true and he DIED for me, how could I not believe he loved me.)   That day he showed me His love and everything I believed no longer felt like words on a page that sounded good...they became the LIVING word of God. 

Spending time on my knees and in His presence was now my most life giving activity.  I feel incredibly blessed to FEEL him when I spend time with him and to get to know him that way. 

But in the month or two before If I was feeling burnt out, let down and sick of trying so hard.  I was wondering why I couldn't be content as a mom, wife, friend....what big thing was I supposed to be doing for kingdom work.  Obviously I must be missing something because I hadn't been called to move to a third world country, feed the homeless or adopt a baby.  Was I really doing my part??  What was my passion? 

There were so many great speakers and amazing topics.  I will never forget any of them and I keep listening over and over, but I felt like God had one thing he wanted me to bring home specifically: 

He has invited me to BE with him to do life with him.  He wants to be my friend.  He LOVES me, all of me, the REAL me! (One of my favorite friends said that to me once and I loved it...she can only love the real me because He does too. ;))  The real me is not pretty folks....it's just a yucky as the next gal. 

You see, I had been using him as needed and resenting him when he wasn't.  I inserted him in my facebook statuses because I needed a lift, and I brought him along when I hung out with hurting friends because he is the ultimate healer.  I brought him to Bible Study and into conversations that were convenient.  I said I trusted him, but was angry about things out of my control.  I wasn't ok with him being God in those areas. I wasn't letting him love the REAL me...just the part I wanted and wasn't trying to hide.  I wasn't walking along side Him and better yet I wasn't letting him carry me when the burden was too much on my own.  I was just handing over the reigns once in a while when it felt good to let Him be God. Ultimately, I still wanted to be my own god...and honestly, there are moments where I still do because it seems more 'predictable'. 

While we were there this all came over me in a moment.  And it had to be during Jen Hatmaker speaking...one of my personal faves!  I was having trouble breathing it was so heavy on my chest.  It was time to confess...so off I went....(hopefully Jen and I can still be buds even though I ditched her speaking!)  I wept and prayed and repented.  It was not pretty, but while I did God calmed my heart again.

He said, "Sarah, walk with me, BE with me, TRUST me.  You can because I will fill you and equip you to do the yucky stuff if you'll just let me.  And not because you are feeding the homeless and moving to Africa, but because I LOVE you!  Let your actions be the natural consequence of your love affair with me."  

Is this ridiculous simple stuff??  LIKE DUH Sarah!?  You had to go all the way to AUSTIN for THAT?!   Well, apparently yes.   Sometimes we just need a timeout from life to figure out where our snag is this moment.   (If you don't ever need that, just lie to me and say you do...:) )

I have lots of dreams that came from this experience (this may have to be another blog maybe in the comments you'll have to tell me what you want to hear about most), but the most important thing for me was coming home with the truth "Oh! How He Loves Me." Not 'Oh how he loves what I am doing or saying or acting or feeling.  Just how he loves me(period).   And I cannot wait for my RELATIONSHIP with him to change the world I am living in right now, however big or small that may be.

new year

The more I learn, the more I feel the strong desire to be authentic.  To be me.  I don't wanna be this girl to those people and that girl to others, I wanna be more than that, I want to be me...and I want me to be a girl that is nuts about Jesus Christ, becoming more like him, devoted no matter what to trusting what he says.  I can't give him anything more than my life and my heart, so why am I holding pieces back when he promises that it is safe to let them go; that weak stuff that he can use for His good bc he is strong. 

My heart yearns for complete surreneder, not only for me, but the people all around me.  Praying for clarity where my heart aches for that this year.  Show me Father, your will for me and my life.  Pour into me so I can pour into others.  But help me always remember that without you, I have nothing to give. 

Great is thy faithfulness

Sometimes after a spiritual high and an intimate encounter with Jesus comes a day that you are just holding onto His promises and trusting God is there even when you don't feel him......looking over my notes and being reminded to "REMEMBER" where God has ALWAYS been faithful in my life......

I am NOT posting this to be a downer, so don't read between the lines, like I so easily tend to do. Just as a transparent daughter of the king...doing life on earth and eagerly awaiting his return...

So glad I made my choice to trust God no matter what and that because of that Satan has to flee at the sound of Jesus name.

A day crying out for Jesus is not a bad day after all.

Sarah

Life is out of control.  Slow down.   Get back to your basics.  Get back in the word.   And say no.  

Books are great and friends are great and fun is great, but God's word is life and hope and joy and peace.....
Friends are great, but what a friend we have in Jesus.


**feeling like I have gotten off track again.  Wandered into the "kingdom of me".  I feel empty and scattered and overwhelmed.

Father,
I am in awe of your forgiveness and grace.  I would have given up on someone like me, but you keep calling me back to you knowing what is best for me.  Forgive me for thinking I know What is best. Teach me to live only for You.

Never in my own strength, but striving towards TOTAL VICTORY!

Joyce Meyer's  fb status this morning:
Whatever challenges you the most, decide now that you are going to set your mind for total victory.

Do you ever know something, but just know it?   The girl drama.  I know it has to stop, but I just know it sometimes.  And this is where I want to set my mind for TOTAL victory.  I think about how free "the honesty policy" in every area of my life would be.  Which also means, taking people at their word and believing they are being honest as well.

This week a friend of mine who has been a friend for a long time was willing to do the grown up and uncomfortable thing of talking to me and checking our relationship.  Gauging things that have changed....why and if we were still going to be friends.   Was it a fun conversation?  Not really, but the more I think about it I know that we really have a REAL friendship bc we just did the TOUGH stuff together!    It really goes for any of my deep relationships...we did the yucky stuff and made it to the other side.

Do I give people in my life that same respect?   Why don't we talk to our friends directly about the issues we have with each other?   (I am a queen people pleaser and enabler...so I can come up with a million reasons why the person couldn't handle that conversation.)   But really, it comes down to be being daring enough, real enough and vulnerable enough to speak the truth.....IN LOVE...but the truth because I respect them and want our relationship strong and healthy.

Let's live by the spirit in our relationships!
²² But the fruit that comes from having the Holy Spirit in our lives is: love, joy, peace, not giving up, being kind, being good, having faith, ²³ being gentle, and being the boss over our own desires. The Law is not against these things.

Let's be daring together!  Be intentional about our friendships, not let the devil get his way in them and keep him out by of our minds by being real.  I know God will bless it and the best part is our true friends will be so thankful in the end. 

asking for help

So, our sermon Sunday was on prayer.  One of the points made was are we too proud, or do we think we don't need the prayers of others.  It got me thinking because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have gotten through some valleys only because I had some prayer warriors intercessing for me when I wasn't even praying myself.  Some of those unexplainables that can ONLY be chalked up to God working.  

So, I feel like I have no problem asking for prayer for a big decision, a life change, medical condition, ya know...the big stuff. (I am, by no means, belittling the big stuff.)  But when it comes to humbling myself to ask for prayer for something like reoccurring jealousy, a stubborn heart, the ability to love like I should, ...(the "SIMPLE" stuff.  HA!) I don't. 

These are the excuses the enemy feeds me. 
*that's silly
*no one cares
*you should be able to take care of that yourself
*there are so many people with bigger stuff going than you
*I could make this list go on and on and on.

Why am I not opening myself up to inject the spirit of God into every aspect of my life?!   Why on earth would I not want more than me, who cannot seem to overcome these things on my own, giving these needs to the Father, who is waiting and listening and filled with joy to hear our requests!?!

I can honestly say that it is not the "BIG" things that are holding me back from kingdom work, it's the "little" reoccurring ones.  

So I am not proposing that I tell every person I meet everything about me in order to pray for me.  What about a few close friends that we can trust to hold us up in prayer?  And how cool to be able to pray for a friend in that way too.  I think the lessons in vulnerability will be great and it opens up a friendship to God working there too.

So this is my brains wrestling match these days....my head knows it, my heart needs to follow.


James 5:16
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.


Father, work in my heart that I can be vulnerable enough to invite you into every aspect of my life....even the ones that I THINK I should be able to have a hold of myself. I don't want to hold them myself any longer and cannot wait to see what happens when your spirit moves fresh in those places. Help me make myself vulnerable enough to ask for help from trusted friends and prayer warriors that we can watch and see only answers You could provide.  Thank you for the answers you have already given!