insecurity

So, at a few days shy of 30 I still have days where I feel the need to call all my friends and say, "are you mad at me?"   Let me just tell you that I have always hated the girliness and drama and everything that goes with it.  I love being a GIRL, but the pettiness that sometimes accomanies that is just plain YUCK!  

The problem is, it's in me too!  I have, with every fiber of my being, to fight that yuck like every other girl in the world.  I am fairly certian that I probably didn't do anything super bad and that no one is mad at me....LOL...just thinking about it logically really does make me roll my eyes and laugh.  But, why does this feeling of self doubt and worthlessness even come?!   um, go away Satan.  

So, how would I have solved this problem a year ago?  Honestly, it's sad.  I think I truly would have called a good portion of friends and said, "are you mad at me?"  Only to hear them say, NO sarah! Of course not, I LOVE you!  (just what I wanted to hear right??)   But it is a temporary fix til the next time. (and my friends are patient, but they may be on to me after a few times! )  I need to choose to fill my need with JESUS.  He is the constant, he is the only one who can fight the devil and HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!   Thank you Jesus!   Join me in choosing Jesus.

So I will hold on to this verse this afternoon:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 4: 6-7

I Feel His Love - Laura Hackett

Sorry, I am into sharing songs lately I guess.  But sometimes I hear a song and I think..yes!  That is what I am feeling!!   My sister shared this song with me this weekend and originally I thought cool song for her story, but it is MY story too.  I think it is a lot of girls stories and so often don't we feel the same pains, hear the same lies and and just don't let ourselves feel the Love that will truly make us feel whole, complete.

Feel HIS LOVE through this song.  I listened to it on repeat today for almost a half hour just crying (yes, I am a cryer....please don't let this scare you too much) and feeling the truth and God's promises through the words........

" I am CONFIDENT that neither life nor death can keep me from the LOVE of Christ!"

"I feel His love welling up on the inside of me
All those years bound in chain He is setting me free
His love goes deeper than the pain that I feel
His love is stronger than depression or fear"

"No, I cannot see, still my heart believes.  And I am filled with JOY unexpressible."

God's Word:
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.

___________, nothing can seperate you from God's love.  He loves you for you and you are good enough just as you are. 


Father,
Thank you for accepting us the way we are.  Not only accepting us, but WANTING US!  Thank you for promising that nothing can seperate us from your love.  Help us to choose to rely on only You to fill our love tanks completely. ONLY by Your power and your Spirit can we possibly be filled with JOY that is overflowing.  And when we choose you and remind ourselves of your promises how can we not be overflowing with JOY........................

Joy in our hearts and Fire in our Eyes

I have felt like God has been silent this week. I don't doubt that He is with me, but I don't feel the closeness I sometimes do. Honestly, I was driving in my car yesterday yelling, "LEAVE ME ALONE SATAN!" Ever feel like he is just messing with you?? I have felt that way this week.

So thankful for the right song at the right time this morning. A gift of music that can so easily touch my soul.

Prayer continued.....

In my humanness....I went from being so excited by the whispers and promptings of my heart about prayer to extremely insecure.  You see, while I feel like it is the link, the most necessary part of our relationship with our God, I feel like I don't do it right. 

I feel like my prayers are not beautiful enough to be uttered aloud.  I feel like more often than not I am praying this: "God, I don't know what I am supposed to be saying, so please just hear my heart!"    Do you feel like that?

Here's what I know.  I want to keep growing to be more and more like Jesus....and I have a long long way to go.   So, I guess I better keep that relationship growing..... uttering whatever words I have.


Father God,
You don't need us, you WANT us!  Wow.  I have been thinking about this all week long.  Why would you want us??  I am so so thankful You do.   Thank you for wanting me and for loving me regardless of my selfish thoughts and actions.  I can't even fathom the depth of your mercy and grace.  Thank you for mercy.   Teach me to pray.  teach me how to have a relationship with you.  Break me so I can be more like you...because I cannot do that on my own.  You are might to save.....save me from me!
Amen. 

So, I am trying my hardest to focus this morning....huge issue for me. But I have so very much rolling around in my brain this morning. I will try to focus for you all reading this.

One thought BIG thought that I had this morning (going to have to dive into that one on a whole different blog while I wait for more direction) but here's this: One of the biggest gifts God has given me in my life is people who are willing to pray WITH me for me. It is probably the most powerful prayer I have experienced....and I am really really thinking about that a lot lately. But if you don't have people like that in your life, I don't have pretty words (besides the Bible) and I am by no means perfect, but I will go to our Father God with you and for you.  God says "where two or three are gathered, He is there!"  I have felt the realness of that and would love for you to too.  Please don't hesistate to ask!

I have had a mini conversation with some ladies on facebook this week about the hymns. I think our generation, if not ours, the next will not get to have those words tucked away quite as tightly in their hearts as we do. I just think that they can be so very powerful.  While I was thinking about prayer this hymn and some words specifically came to mind. 

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
   All our sins and griefs to bear!
   What a privilege to carry
   Everything to God in prayer! (IT IS A GIFT!)
   Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
   Oh, what needless pain we bear,
   All because we do not carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
2. Have we trials and temptations?
   Is there trouble anywhere?
   We should never be discouraged—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Can we find a friend so faithful,
   Who will all our sorrows share?
   Jesus knows our every weakness;
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
   Cumbered with a load of care?
   Precious Savior, still our refuge—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
   Take it to the Lord in prayer!
   In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
   Thou wilt find a solace there.

I think there may need to be a part two while I pray more about this.  (sounds cliche, but let me tell ya I have this heavy burden, calling, excitement about prayer.  I can't and don't want to shake it.)   I will leave you all with that today.

Me

I said the words out loud today to my mom.  I have been feeling them for a LONG time, but they were spoken...so now I feel like I am allowed to feel them.  (LOL, I have said something a time or two about my weirdness, right?)

Stay at home mom is a HARD job for me.  I have a hard time chilling with my kids doing nothing.  I would rather be on the run.  I get ZERO fulfillment from cleaning my house, or doing my laundry, making a new yummy dinner, or having curtains that coordinate with my chairs or floor or whatever they are supposed to coordinate with!  When I see this 'super mom', with all the 'super mom' gifts, I would love to run and hide...or I just make fun of them bc everything is so "perfect".  (I am SORRY!!....please come 'super mom' me! I probably could use some help!!)

I don't hate it all.  I LOVE being with my kids, being the one to influence and help shape them.  I love watching them learn something new.  Or tell me all about what we just did from their perspective....it's what keeps me on! THE KIDS!  (my joy!)

Yesterday my mom said something about her mom that worked from the time she woke up til 9 at night.  Did she like it??  I have NO IDEA, but knowing her she more than likely had a great attitude about it and was not doing it for self fullfillment.  She was doing what needed to be done and what God had called her to at that time in her life.  (She never quit helping or working, for the record, until her mind quit cooperating).

So, I am asking God to help me with a new approach.  I am going to find Joy in the journey and in the little tasks and let God's grace cover where I don't live up to where I think I should be.  I am going to enjoy my family and do the very best I can where I am at today........ Time to mop the floor...with joy (aka ella, my little helper girl).

and let Me give you peace.

"I know that sometimes you doubt yourself. You worry about what people think about you. You are afraid that you're not good enough. You think no one cares.

I want you to bring those fears and doubts to Me and let Me give you peace." -Jesus Calling for Kids by Sarah Young

Psalm 29:11; Numbers 6:24-25; Psalm 13:5


Pouring over these verses tonight.